Teen Camp on 3.12.2010

this is not first time i am handling juvenile delinquent camp
this is 3rd year i am working in this place, and it's a anual program
The camp was held at Merbok, Kedah

this round, we have 26 participants out of 40
there is 16 indian, 10 chinese who involved with this camp

as usual, we start the activities with ice-breaking
each of the participant will introduce their name, age, how they wish to call
then, we start to do "action", name follow by an action
after that, we try to move and play some warming up activity

come to the game of "TRUST"
the game i name it "passenger and driver"
two was paired up in this game, one is driver, one will be passanger
the person choose to be passenger will be standing in front of the driver
what the passenger need to do is : close their eyes, and followed the direction from the driver
grounds rules were set, where by, the driver need to carry passenger carefully
do not "crash" to others people when moved around

yet, when the game start, they do it well...
but after that, the teenager start to create problems
they can't follow the rule, and start to hit people
i stop it, and asked them to switch, again, remind the rule
when the 2nd time playing this activity

there is a group of teenagers come and bump on me
i try to step back, go out, but 2nd hit is coming, bump in front of me
i was shock, and the group who bump me, still laughing, like really fun
my emotion was UP. i am so angry~
but, i try to control myself, i shout out loud, and say STOP to play!
i ASKED: WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING?
WHAT HAPPENED JUST NOW?  YOU GUYS CAME AND BUMP ME. AND YET THIS IS A PLAY, AND RULE WERE SET! I WANT EXPLANATION!!
then, all quiet...no body talking, all in silent...
i looked around, the group of teenagers who purposely bump me still laughing

then,
my emotion start feel angry, i felt like i am being bullied
i felt like they purposely bump me, no respect me
i do not how did i turn
suddenly, i try to convert my angry to another form of expression
i role play that i was hit by the car... and i am dying
the person - the group of people who bump me running away
and i am dying, i am bleeding
i cried for help, ask the witnesses to block the person who bump me
asked somebody who standing aside to call ambulance

yet, no one help
finally the Ramakrishna kids come out and help me
when i de-roll myself
i asked all the participants to think,
WHY they act it so? let's think about the scenario if this is happens to any one of their love one, will they still stay ignorant?  will they still stood there but "KBC", while doing nothing?


* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *  ~  * ~  * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
I AM STILL SO SO SO ANGRY
PROFESIONALLY, I COMPLETE MY TASK
but, personally, i felt like i am being threatened, i feel like i am being assault
i could get injured by letting the group of teenagers bump on me
and it's recall me back of the experience where i were  being sexual harassment
i experience the feeling of helplessness, anxiety, angry
i felt like why i can't protect myself???

personally, i really angry. so so so so  angry
i still thinking of want to find out the person who bump me
and just gave him to hit on face~
but, life have to moved on~~
right?

i need to deal with my own inner angry
i need to look deep, why i am so MIND about the teenagers did to me
it is past, it is over, yet my body remember the uncomfortable feeling, the pain
the hurt

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *  ~  * ~  * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

some one told me. is my team members who follow in this camp
they told me: x10, i thought u are the one designed this, wow, you are so profesional ya~
some voices said:
they maybe want to test your limit and power
maybe you look so adorable, and you have a long hair, so, they intentionally want to disturb you
i think you look so arrogant, not friendly enough. that's WHY it's happens

i am reflecting it... i asked myself
what if, one day, when i am handling program
some of the teenagers （this juvenile delinquent) client  really bring something to harm facilitator? not necesarry me, but any body else? what can this organization do?? to protect facilitator/ counsellor in that time???

i am thinking too much...they say
maybe~

but, i am feeling unable to forget the bump, the hurt,
it's 4th day passed.........   what make me not moved out from this incident yet?
i wonder.........
LIFE MOVES ＯＮ～　
right?.... letting go..letting go, i tell myself....
it's a new day~